Every once in awhile, everything needs a good tune up or maintenance – cars, relationships, and most definitely our hearts. Tonight I arrived at a check point with my parenting after an especially rough day of endless tantrums/tears and mommy battling feelings of failure and questions of “where did I go wrong?” Even though daddy encouraged me by saying “you’re not a failure, you’re doing a good job,” there is always room for growth and I especially feel that God stretches me during days like today. We put you down earlier for bed (trust me you need the rest!) and enjoyed a rare quiet dinner to talk through things together.
Mommy has a tendency of keeping busy. Even before I became “mommy” I would always pack my schedule, meet with friends, and always be doing something. I have a hard time sitting still. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad trait, it’s part of my personality. However, with parenting I feel like it has translated to filling our days with activities and fun, leaving me very little energy to be proactive on things that actually matter – teaching, correcting, and guiding. I feel that I need to be more disciplined myself with being creative and fruitful at home so that I can focus on guiding you in the right direction. In the midst of busy schedules, I’ve lost sight of the long-term purpose of parenting which is raising you in the instruction of the Lord. I’ve been operating more on survival mode and getting through each day with “fun stuff.” Sure, I teach you plenty here and there, but I want to expend my energy on prioritizing character building and gospel-learning over having fun. Not to say we’ll stop having fun, because learning through play is huge, but I want to be more intentional with my parenting. And in order for me to achieve this, I feel like I need to slow down and maybe spend some days completely at home, free of distraction and excuses. I guess this is mommy’s discipline and I hope to master it over time.
I love you and praying for grace for us all.